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% What ladies with typewriters write in church bulletins...
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\begin{document}

\begin{center}\large\bfseries
	Church Bulletin Bloopers
\end{center}

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

\begin{itemize}

\item	The sermon this morning: ``Jesus Walks on the Water.''
	The sermon tonight: ``Searching for Jesus.''

\item	Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8\,pm in
	the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

\item	Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight
	at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from
	Africa.

\item	The Fasting \& Prayer Conference includes meals.

\item	Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
	of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget
	your husbands.

\item	The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
	due to a conflict.

\item	Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

\item	Smile at someone who is hard to love.
	Say ``Hell'' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

\item	Don't let worry kill you off --- let the church help.

\item	Miss Charlene Mason sang ``I will not pass this way again'',
	giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

\item	For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
	nursery downstairs.

\item	Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
	the help they can get.

\item	Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
	transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
	tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

\item	The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
	choir will sing: ``Break Forth Into Joy.''

\item	Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
	the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
	days.

\item	A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
	hall. Music will follow.

\item	At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ``What
	Is Hell?'' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

\item	Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
	of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
	ones.

\item	Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
	recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

\item	Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
	deceased person you want remembered.

\item	Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
	healthy lunch.

\item	The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
	entertainment and gracious hostility.

\item	Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00\,pm --- prayer and medication to
	follow.

\item	The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.
	They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

\item	This evening at 7\,pm there will be a hymn singing in the park
	across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
	sin.

\item	The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
	would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
	next Sunday.

\item	Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7\,pm.
	Please use the back door.

\item	The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in
	the church basement Friday at 7\,pm. The congregation is invited
	to attend this tragedy.

\item	Weight Watchers will meet at 7\,pm at the First Presbyterian
	Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

\item	The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
	campaign slogan last supper: ``I upped my pledge''.
	``Up yours''.

\end{itemize}

\end{document}

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