% Kursk-sinking.tex
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% Reason for the Kursk desaster
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% Source: email from someone
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% Typeset by Volker Kuhlmann, 12 Nov 2000.
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\begin{document}

Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For
those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew
up and sank in the Arctic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians
tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object.
However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first,
then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A
whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of
the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occured.
It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.

While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which
contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion.
As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes.

It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft
Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the
aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently,
the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems
exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

\begin{cast}
\item[Captain]
	Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet, Comrade?

\item[Seaman]
	Almost, Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration
	card.

\item[Captain]
        Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies
        into oblivion.

\explain{evil laughter in background}

\item[Seaman]
	Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says ``Preparing to run
	Windows for the first time''.

\explain{long pause}

\item[Seaman]
	Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th
	time.

\item[Captain]
	Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.

\item[Seaman]
	Aye, Sir.

\explain{another long pause}

\item[Seaman]
	Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware\ldots\ 
	A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers.

\item[Captain]
	Where are the drivers?

\item[Seaman]
	On the CD-ROM.

\item[Captain]
	You are joking, right?

\item[Seaman]
	No, Sir.

\item[Captain]
        Reboot the darned thing again. I am starting not to like this
        Windows.

\explain{another long pause}

\item[Seaman]
	Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
	looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?

\item[Captain]
	I do not think so.

\item[Seaman]
	I will tell it to use the default drivers.

\explain{another long pause}

\item[Seaman]
	Phooey. It wants to reboot again.

\item[Captain]
	How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking
	forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.

\explain{another long pause}

\item[Seaman]
	Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!

\item[Captain]
	Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user
	profiles?

\item[Seaman]
	No, Sir. I think it is ready.

\item[Captain]
	Good work, comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let
	us see how this works.

\item[Seaman]
	Clicking now, Sir.

\explain{another long pause}

\item[Captain]
	Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on
	it?

\item[Seaman]
	I have no idea, Sir.

\item[Captain]
	Hmmm, well, try clicking on the menu.

\item[Seaman]
	Aye, Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus,
	Fire a Torpedo.

\item[Captain]
	We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.

\item[Seaman]
	Aye, Sir.

\explain{another long pause}

\item[Seaman]
	It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.

\item[Captain]
	Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!

\item[Intercom]
	%\explain{intercom}
	This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded, Sir.

\item[Captain]
	Click on the continue button.

\item[Seaman]
	Aye, Sir.

\explain{another long pause}

\item[Seaman]
	It is asking for a target, Sir.

\item[Captain]
	Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.

\item[Seaman]
	Aye, Sir. Darn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.

\item[Captain]
	Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.

\item[Seaman]
	Aye, Sir. We are ready to fire.

\item[Captain]
	Very good. You may fire when ready, comrade.

\item[Seaman]
	Firing torpedo, Sir.

\explain{another really long pause}

\item[Captain]
	Well?

\item[Seaman]
	I am trying, Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute....

\explain{A loud explosion is heard in the background followed by
	screaming on the intercom.}

\item[Captain]
	What was that?!?!?

\item[Seaman]
	Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express Fire
	Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut
	down. Click 'OK' to continue.

\item[Seaman]
	Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?

\item[Captain]
	Shut it down! Shut it down!

\item[Seaman]
	It is not responding, Sir!

\item[Captain]
	Try 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete'!

\item[Seaman]
	Aye, Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating.
	I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire
	Control.

\explain{another long pause}

\item[Seaman]
	The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not
	responding.

\item[Captain]
	Well no kidding! Tell it to 'end task'.

\item[Seaman]
	Nothing is happening, Sir.

\item[Captain]
	Try 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' again.

\item[Seaman]
	Aye, Sir.

\explain{Sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.}

\item[Seaman]
	Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!

\item[Captain]
	Arrgggh! Not the blue screen of dea\ldots

~\\
\textbf{\Large KABLAM!}\\
\explain{A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of
rushing water.}

\end{cast}

The tape ends at this point.

During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in
the form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub.
The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the
last of their strength tapping out
	\cntrline{``W i n d o w s \ \ s u c k s''}
in morse code. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer
some insight into this.

\end{document}

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